Chapter Five

A book may be worth a thousand words, as they say, but Twilight has at least twice that many.

After Edward's bipolar explanation of their relationship (they're friends, but not really,) Bella returns to class in a total daze, unable to concentrate or focus because of how hot this guy is. Forbidden love and romantic tragedy are nothing new to modern day literature. In William Shakespeare's most recent classic, "Tristan and Iseult," two young lovers are kept apart by a long-standing feud between their respective families. In the end, one dies and the other kills themself (and in true Shakespearean form, it's HILARIOUS.) "Twilight" has set itself up to reach such climactic heights with AMAZING character development. After an informal DTR ("Defining The Relationship," for those of you who don't have PT like my roommate and I do ["Pillow Talk," for those of you who don't have an RG roommate like I do, ("Really Gay," for those of you who don't know Paul Baker")]) Edward takes a bold step by asking her to sit with him at lunch. Seriously, this shit just got real. I mean, this is the "Want to come up for coffee?" of middle school, and he knows it (because he's seen As the World Turns before.) The conversation that ensues is, well, pretty juvenile, which is out of character for Edward and Bella.

Immediately Edward steps up his game: He tells her he's now "going to hell" (more like jail, for taking advantage of a minor...more on that later.) Naturally, she's confused by this statement. Edward then offers more "Hey, I'm-on-crazy-pills!" comments, like that he's simply "given up," and having "stolen" her from her other friends at the lunch table, just may decide to "keep her." He reiterates that he will not be a good friend to her, even implying that she is intellectually deficient for liking him (perhaps his first insightful and accurate observation of the entire book.) And like a fat guy at a Dairy Queen when you tell him "Sorry, we can't 'super size' your cone, sir," she gets defensive, before finally caving (again) to the irresistible "charm" of him ridiculing her, all despite the fact that she has no idea what the hell he's going on about. He even pulls the "your boyfriend" card in reference to Mike, whom she has outwardly resented. At the peak of all this sexual tension, the two make a deal; Edward will tell Bella when he is avoiding her for her own good (so she can mope with conviction,) and Bella is going to tell him a theory as to who she thinks he really is in light of all his strange and inane remarks. Her theory?

Peter Parker or Bruce Wayne.

Seriously.

No, Bella. Peter Parker and Bruce Wayne are real superheroes actually fighting crime in New York and Gotham Cities. Edward is an 8th grade bro-bag whose main and alter ego likes teasing and bullying girls in order to contrast his more serious and deliberately ambiguous side, thus appearing "sensitive." In response to her absurd theory, he says he's the "bad guy," even when she defends "the good" in him, (believing Return of the Jedi to be an actual allegory of her life.) Of course, this "bad guy's" idea of bad-assery is skipping class and snagging girls who are new in town. She swoons at this scandalous behavior.

Back in Biology (Edward is skipping), Bella discovers they are testing for blood types. She passes out. Mike helps her leave. Mike feels his pants tighten. Mike gets embarrassed, and sets her down before they can reach the nurse's office. Before things too heated, Edward arrives on the scene to show Mike who's the bigger man, lifting Bella into his arms and carrying her off against Mike's protests (who is stuck crouched on the ground so as to hide a truly inconvenient stiffy.) Upon arrival, she recovers quite quickly, delivering a startling revelation that she can smell blood (and Mike, who has entered the room, gets noticeably more nervous.) Edward throws a jealous fit: "People can't smell blood," he complains. And the plot (or should we say, "clot") thickens...

Edward sweet talks the nurse and gets Bella out of school for the rest of the day, physically forcing her to his car (some people communicate love through abuse...a good sign for this relationship.) Bella has left her rape whistle at home, and thus doesn't resist the dashing hero's forced care of her. Getting in the car, Eddy has "Clair de Lune" all cued up for her, again showing his sensitive side (or his Wikipedia literacy after having seen Ocean's 11, where the third movement of Debussy's Suite bergamasque was used prominently.) She correctly identifies this work (because she too has seen Ocean's 11 and uses Wikipedia for all her school papers.) Edward begins to question her about her family, and then eventually her age. This is what the FBI refers to as "grooming" (which I learned from many hours spent watching "To Catch a Predator" this summer.) "I'm seventeen," she tells him. He replies, "You don't seem seventeen." (She seems fifteen...just the way he likes it.)

Edward then begins to pry about Phil (her stepdad), asking how she feels toward him, then turning the question around to inquire how her mother might feel about Bella being with someone "scary" (like...Mr. Mason!) In true form, she tells him more than she ought to, feeling stupid for being so revealing to the dude she wants to love her (when has honesty ever done a relationship any good?) Eventually, Bella tries to pull an "Edward" on Edward, asking about his family and his life, only to be met with mechanical answers (cyborgs don’t have families, yada yada yada.) They finally arrive at her home, where he sardonically demands that she not get into another accident while going to the beach with Mike and friends (oh yeah, I forgot to mention she made plans to go to the beach with Mike and friends.) She begs him to come, but unfortunately he has a prior engagement to go camping with his bro-buddy. "Camping" of course is code for "sucking blood."

...blood if he's lucky.