A book may be worth a thousand words, as they say, but Twilight has at least twice that many.
After Edward's bipolar explanation of their relationship (they're friends, but not really,) Bella returns to class in a total daze, unable to concentrate or focus because of how hot this guy is. Forbidden love and romantic tragedy are nothing new to modern day literature. In William Shakespeare's most recent classic, "Tristan and Iseult," two young lovers are kept apart by a long-standing feud between their respective families. In the end, one dies and the other kills themself (and in true Shakespearean form, it's HILARIOUS.) "Twilight" has set itself up to reach such climactic heights with AMAZING character development. After an informal DTR ("Defining The Relationship," for those of you who don't have PT like my roommate and I do ["Pillow Talk," for those of you who don't have an RG roommate like I do, ("Really Gay," for those of you who don't know Paul Baker")]) Edward takes a bold step by asking her to sit with him at lunch. Seriously, this shit just got real. I mean, this is the "Want to come up for coffee?" of middle school, and he knows it (because he's seen As the World Turns before.) The conversation that ensues is, well, pretty juvenile, which is out of character for Edward and Bella.
Immediately Edward steps up his game: He tells her he's now "going to hell" (more like jail, for taking advantage of a minor...more on that later.) Naturally, she's confused by this statement. Edward then offers more "Hey, I'm-on-crazy-pills!" comments, like that he's simply "given up," and having "stolen" her from her other friends at the lunch table, just may decide to "keep her." He reiterates that he will not be a good friend to her, even implying that she is intellectually deficient for liking him (perhaps his first insightful and accurate observation of the entire book.) And like a fat guy at a Dairy Queen when you tell him "Sorry, we can't 'super size' your cone, sir," she gets defensive, before finally caving (again) to the irresistible "charm" of him ridiculing her, all despite the fact that she has no idea what the hell he's going on about. He even pulls the "your boyfriend" card in reference to Mike, whom she has outwardly resented. At the peak of all this sexual tension, the two make a deal; Edward will tell Bella when he is avoiding her for her own good (so she can mope with conviction,) and Bella is going to tell him a theory as to who she thinks he really is in light of all his strange and inane remarks. Her theory?
Peter Parker or Bruce Wayne.
Seriously.
No, Bella. Peter Parker and Bruce Wayne are real superheroes actually fighting crime in New York and Gotham Cities. Edward is an 8th grade bro-bag whose main and alter ego likes teasing and bullying girls in order to contrast his more serious and deliberately ambiguous side, thus appearing "sensitive." In response to her absurd theory, he says he's the "bad guy," even when she defends "the good" in him, (believing Return of the Jedi to be an actual allegory of her life.) Of course, this "bad guy's" idea of bad-assery is skipping class and snagging girls who are new in town. She swoons at this scandalous behavior.
Back in Biology (Edward is skipping), Bella discovers they are testing for blood types. She passes out. Mike helps her leave. Mike feels his pants tighten. Mike gets embarrassed, and sets her down before they can reach the nurse's office. Before things too heated, Edward arrives on the scene to show Mike who's the bigger man, lifting Bella into his arms and carrying her off against Mike's protests (who is stuck crouched on the ground so as to hide a truly inconvenient stiffy.) Upon arrival, she recovers quite quickly, delivering a startling revelation that she can smell blood (and Mike, who has entered the room, gets noticeably more nervous.) Edward throws a jealous fit: "People can't smell blood," he complains. And the plot (or should we say, "clot") thickens...
Edward sweet talks the nurse and gets Bella out of school for the rest of the day, physically forcing her to his car (some people communicate love through abuse...a good sign for this relationship.) Bella has left her rape whistle at home, and thus doesn't resist the dashing hero's forced care of her. Getting in the car, Eddy has "Clair de Lune" all cued up for her, again showing his sensitive side (or his Wikipedia literacy after having seen Ocean's 11, where the third movement of Debussy's Suite bergamasque was used prominently.) She correctly identifies this work (because she too has seen Ocean's 11 and uses Wikipedia for all her school papers.) Edward begins to question her about her family, and then eventually her age. This is what the FBI refers to as "grooming" (which I learned from many hours spent watching "To Catch a Predator" this summer.) "I'm seventeen," she tells him. He replies, "You don't seem seventeen." (She seems fifteen...just the way he likes it.)
Edward then begins to pry about Phil (her stepdad), asking how she feels toward him, then turning the question around to inquire how her mother might feel about Bella being with someone "scary" (like...Mr. Mason!) In true form, she tells him more than she ought to, feeling stupid for being so revealing to the dude she wants to love her (when has honesty ever done a relationship any good?) Eventually, Bella tries to pull an "Edward" on Edward, asking about his family and his life, only to be met with mechanical answers (cyborgs don’t have families, yada yada yada.) They finally arrive at her home, where he sardonically demands that she not get into another accident while going to the beach with Mike and friends (oh yeah, I forgot to mention she made plans to go to the beach with Mike and friends.) She begs him to come, but unfortunately he has a prior engagement to go camping with his bro-buddy. "Camping" of course is code for "sucking blood."
...blood if he's lucky.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Chapter Four
Now, I'm no Roland Emmerich, but I'd like to think I've got a knack for storytelling that allows me to make fairly accurate predictions in Twilight. (Like, I'm the guy who totally called it that Spock was still alive in Star Trek III: The Search for Spock.) Well, I've had my suspicions about Edward in the first four chapters, mainly because he’s supposedly a "vampire." So far, nothing he's done really fits the normal description of a vampire's characteristics. He hasn't gone around robbing blood banks or stalking people with high blood pressure. He doesn't quote Shakespeare and Kierkegaard as Dracula was most famous for doing. Most of all, he wasn't in Vampire Kisses 6: Royal Blood, the end-all be-all vampire novel.
My theory? Edward is cybernetic organism sent back in time to protect Bella, who will give birth to the future leader of humanity in a 21st century war against the machines. Also sent back was Phil, an assassin cyborg with mechanically devious intentions who becomes romantically involved with Bella’s mother (mainly playing "baseball" so as to appear more "American.") Let us review the evidence.
Clue #1: Edward's eyes.
As noted in early chapters, Edward's eyes change color, an ability inherent to all robots as we have learned from Robocop and Transformers 1 and 2. In Bella's wildly inquisitive assessment of this fact (page 46), Edward plays dumb (like a robot.)
Clue #2: Edward's brain.
Edward is highly intelligent in Biology class, demonstrating a remarkable capacity for recall of useless information and data, much like a computer-based cyborg is apt to do. If asked a question even when he isn't even listening (page 73), he still is able to spit out answers without thinking (like a robot.)
Clue #3: Edward's straining.
He strains so hard he defecates in the middle of Biology (page 23). ...That really has nothing to do with him being a robot...and by having "nothing to do with" I mean "really didn't happen."
Clue #4: Edward's superpowers.
Super speed and super strength are requisites for any real cyborg. Edward displays both in order to achieve his objective aim of protecting Bella from wild vehicles (page 56), especially ones caused by his arch nemesis Phil. He seems unaware of his unique gifts (like a robot.)
Clue #5: Edward's shapeshifting. (SPOILER ALERT)
To top it off, Edward is able to transform himself into other beings and replicate their voice, their mannerisms, and their memory. We see this when he very cleverly morphs into Mike (page 72), Eric (page 76), and Tyler (page 77), impersonating their likenesses to make Bella think everyone is trying to ask her out, a fact that clearly annoys her, and clearly tickles Edward to the bone (like a robot.)
Clue #6: Edward's father.
The son of a prominent doctor (page 62), Edward's birth is shrouded in mystery, but calling this a "birth" itself may be presumptuous. Was our teen hottie really born of a virgin womb as the text suggests (it doesn't,) or might he have been the concoction of science at the hands of "Doctor" Cullen? With the explosion of the internets and the rise of WebMD, anybody can be a doctor these days (next week: my blog on Elephantiasis and the Synthesis of Chlamydia.)
Now, onto the summary.
I guess this is the point where the main character starts having dreams that foreshadow or allude to some deeper aspect of the story (which has proved acutely difficult for Stephen Meyers to achieve.) For Bella, this dream depicts Edward walking away from her, his face radiant like a Chinese firecracker while she is unable to catch up to him (meaning she's pursing a guy who's bad news bears.) For me this dream would depict being chased by Gary Busey, his voice speaking nonsensically in tongues while I am unable to escape him (meaning Gary Busey is about to tickle me until I pee. Further suggested reading: Gary Busey's Cookbook for Roadkill.)
When Bella finally returns to school, all she can think about is Edward and the accident. With Tyler still trying to make amends, and Mike and Eric both still in the competitive mix for her affection, Bella finds herself in the midst of a complex and sensational love pentagon (which just happens to be the universally-recognized symbol of vampires.) Here's where the book starts to get tricky--and this is something Lord of the Rings sorely lacked. Bella's friend Jessica decides to ask Mike to the spring dance. Mike declines, opportunistically trying to capitalize on the friction between Bella and Edward by asking her to ask him to the spring dance (she also declines.) After he demands that she tell him why she won't ask him, Bella lies and says she's going to Seattle to watch the Mariners play the Chicago Bears. Bella then suggests he take Jessica up on her offer, though Jessica has consequently moved on to Eric (sorry Mike, beggars can't be choosers.) It turns out, Mike wasn't the only one who considered Bella his first choice either (remember, this is a dance where the GIRLS ask the guy.) Eric, who is now also sandbagging Jessica, asks our heroine to the dance, who again lies about going to Seattle to tour the Starbucks headquarters. After dusting her hands of both their sorry asses and passing them off to Jessica, a third--yes, a THIRD—Tyler (the boner himself,) tries to win her heart, again only to be turned down for a boy (Edward) who has no apparent interest in her.
Tyler then kills himself.
Meanwhile, the entire time all of this is happening, Edward watches from afar, giddy as Bella turns away three non-vampires in pursuit of courtship with her. Interestingly, Edward is back on his game when she snaps at him in Biology for a second time. Bella charges that he regrets saving her because he's stopped teasing her and flirting with her (that bastard!) He then suggests out of nowhere that they shouldn't be friends (I'm not making this up...he doesn't even friend-zone her.) She tries to leave the classroom angrily and in dramatic fashion, but then embarrassingly drops all of her books at the door. Non-friend Edward rushes to help her, only strengthening her devout convictions for being in love with him (though it's "very, very stupid," "pitiful," and "unhealthy," in her words.) Despite his commitment to not being friends, he is seen visibly enjoying her annoyance being asked out by the trifecta. (These mixed signals make for a delicious romantic cat-and-mouse.)
Here's what I can't understand. Why is it that when ugly people try to be funny and an asshole to get a girl, well, they're just an asshole. But when good-looking people are funny and an asshole, they're perceived as more mysterious: "Why doesn't he like me?" and then eventually, "Well, I can change him!"
This was when I realized how much Stephen Meyer is just another a chauvinistic woman-hating male. Of course Bella doesn't want to go to the dance and have fun. She's too busy making enchiladas for her father, cleaning the dishes, and obsessing over ponies. Girls shouldn't be hanging around boys whose main ambition is to show them a good time; their place is in the kitchen. (How else would Charlie have eaten?)
While making dinner, Jessica calls to inform Bella that she and Mike are officially going to the dance together. Bella craftily tells Jess to set Eric and Tyler up with other girls (or in Tyler's case, a guy,) thus tying up all of her own loose ends. She repeats the usual mantra of self-degradation about how "uninteresting" she is while lifting up Edward as the pinnacle of perfection and beauty (like I do with Patrick Swayze while slapping myself in front of a mirror.)
The next morning she is approached by her favorite non-friend, Edward, who confesses to causing the traffic jam that enabled Tyler the time to ask her out (before he killed himself.) After a bit of teasing and taunting, Edward then gets serious. (This vampire doesn't eff around.) Once he has Bella in an emotionally vulnerable state, he asks to go with her to Seattle, rattling off a string of excuses: he'd been wanting to go anyway, and her car is just too shitty to make such a prolonged drive.
After agreeing to let him drive her, Edward clears up his previous "non-friend" reclarification, that while they shouldn't be friends, that doesn't mean they can't be friends (they'd just be better off being the former...what a cock.) Then beautifully, brilliantly, immediately after sealing the deal for a date, Edward tags on the final clarifier: "You really should stay away from me." That's it Edward--draw her in, then push her away (this guy reads too much Neil Strauss.) I doubt many are more sexually frustrated than me, but from now on anytime I get a date, I’m adding this ominous warning: "I'm really looking forward to Saturday. But seriously, I get REALLY abusive when I drink. See you tomorrow!"
Now that my Dance Concert is over, I should be back to posting these chapter assessments with a more effective degree of regularity. I apologize for the prolonged wait.
My theory? Edward is cybernetic organism sent back in time to protect Bella, who will give birth to the future leader of humanity in a 21st century war against the machines. Also sent back was Phil, an assassin cyborg with mechanically devious intentions who becomes romantically involved with Bella’s mother (mainly playing "baseball" so as to appear more "American.") Let us review the evidence.
Clue #1: Edward's eyes.
As noted in early chapters, Edward's eyes change color, an ability inherent to all robots as we have learned from Robocop and Transformers 1 and 2. In Bella's wildly inquisitive assessment of this fact (page 46), Edward plays dumb (like a robot.)
Clue #2: Edward's brain.
Edward is highly intelligent in Biology class, demonstrating a remarkable capacity for recall of useless information and data, much like a computer-based cyborg is apt to do. If asked a question even when he isn't even listening (page 73), he still is able to spit out answers without thinking (like a robot.)
Clue #3: Edward's straining.
He strains so hard he defecates in the middle of Biology (page 23). ...That really has nothing to do with him being a robot...and by having "nothing to do with" I mean "really didn't happen."
Clue #4: Edward's superpowers.
Super speed and super strength are requisites for any real cyborg. Edward displays both in order to achieve his objective aim of protecting Bella from wild vehicles (page 56), especially ones caused by his arch nemesis Phil. He seems unaware of his unique gifts (like a robot.)
Clue #5: Edward's shapeshifting. (SPOILER ALERT)
To top it off, Edward is able to transform himself into other beings and replicate their voice, their mannerisms, and their memory. We see this when he very cleverly morphs into Mike (page 72), Eric (page 76), and Tyler (page 77), impersonating their likenesses to make Bella think everyone is trying to ask her out, a fact that clearly annoys her, and clearly tickles Edward to the bone (like a robot.)
Clue #6: Edward's father.
The son of a prominent doctor (page 62), Edward's birth is shrouded in mystery, but calling this a "birth" itself may be presumptuous. Was our teen hottie really born of a virgin womb as the text suggests (it doesn't,) or might he have been the concoction of science at the hands of "Doctor" Cullen? With the explosion of the internets and the rise of WebMD, anybody can be a doctor these days (next week: my blog on Elephantiasis and the Synthesis of Chlamydia.)
Now, onto the summary.
I guess this is the point where the main character starts having dreams that foreshadow or allude to some deeper aspect of the story (which has proved acutely difficult for Stephen Meyers to achieve.) For Bella, this dream depicts Edward walking away from her, his face radiant like a Chinese firecracker while she is unable to catch up to him (meaning she's pursing a guy who's bad news bears.) For me this dream would depict being chased by Gary Busey, his voice speaking nonsensically in tongues while I am unable to escape him (meaning Gary Busey is about to tickle me until I pee. Further suggested reading: Gary Busey's Cookbook for Roadkill.)
When Bella finally returns to school, all she can think about is Edward and the accident. With Tyler still trying to make amends, and Mike and Eric both still in the competitive mix for her affection, Bella finds herself in the midst of a complex and sensational love pentagon (which just happens to be the universally-recognized symbol of vampires.) Here's where the book starts to get tricky--and this is something Lord of the Rings sorely lacked. Bella's friend Jessica decides to ask Mike to the spring dance. Mike declines, opportunistically trying to capitalize on the friction between Bella and Edward by asking her to ask him to the spring dance (she also declines.) After he demands that she tell him why she won't ask him, Bella lies and says she's going to Seattle to watch the Mariners play the Chicago Bears. Bella then suggests he take Jessica up on her offer, though Jessica has consequently moved on to Eric (sorry Mike, beggars can't be choosers.) It turns out, Mike wasn't the only one who considered Bella his first choice either (remember, this is a dance where the GIRLS ask the guy.) Eric, who is now also sandbagging Jessica, asks our heroine to the dance, who again lies about going to Seattle to tour the Starbucks headquarters. After dusting her hands of both their sorry asses and passing them off to Jessica, a third--yes, a THIRD—Tyler (the boner himself,) tries to win her heart, again only to be turned down for a boy (Edward) who has no apparent interest in her.
Tyler then kills himself.
Meanwhile, the entire time all of this is happening, Edward watches from afar, giddy as Bella turns away three non-vampires in pursuit of courtship with her. Interestingly, Edward is back on his game when she snaps at him in Biology for a second time. Bella charges that he regrets saving her because he's stopped teasing her and flirting with her (that bastard!) He then suggests out of nowhere that they shouldn't be friends (I'm not making this up...he doesn't even friend-zone her.) She tries to leave the classroom angrily and in dramatic fashion, but then embarrassingly drops all of her books at the door. Non-friend Edward rushes to help her, only strengthening her devout convictions for being in love with him (though it's "very, very stupid," "pitiful," and "unhealthy," in her words.) Despite his commitment to not being friends, he is seen visibly enjoying her annoyance being asked out by the trifecta. (These mixed signals make for a delicious romantic cat-and-mouse.)
Here's what I can't understand. Why is it that when ugly people try to be funny and an asshole to get a girl, well, they're just an asshole. But when good-looking people are funny and an asshole, they're perceived as more mysterious: "Why doesn't he like me?" and then eventually, "Well, I can change him!"
This was when I realized how much Stephen Meyer is just another a chauvinistic woman-hating male. Of course Bella doesn't want to go to the dance and have fun. She's too busy making enchiladas for her father, cleaning the dishes, and obsessing over ponies. Girls shouldn't be hanging around boys whose main ambition is to show them a good time; their place is in the kitchen. (How else would Charlie have eaten?)
While making dinner, Jessica calls to inform Bella that she and Mike are officially going to the dance together. Bella craftily tells Jess to set Eric and Tyler up with other girls (or in Tyler's case, a guy,) thus tying up all of her own loose ends. She repeats the usual mantra of self-degradation about how "uninteresting" she is while lifting up Edward as the pinnacle of perfection and beauty (like I do with Patrick Swayze while slapping myself in front of a mirror.)
The next morning she is approached by her favorite non-friend, Edward, who confesses to causing the traffic jam that enabled Tyler the time to ask her out (before he killed himself.) After a bit of teasing and taunting, Edward then gets serious. (This vampire doesn't eff around.) Once he has Bella in an emotionally vulnerable state, he asks to go with her to Seattle, rattling off a string of excuses: he'd been wanting to go anyway, and her car is just too shitty to make such a prolonged drive.
After agreeing to let him drive her, Edward clears up his previous "non-friend" reclarification, that while they shouldn't be friends, that doesn't mean they can't be friends (they'd just be better off being the former...what a cock.) Then beautifully, brilliantly, immediately after sealing the deal for a date, Edward tags on the final clarifier: "You really should stay away from me." That's it Edward--draw her in, then push her away (this guy reads too much Neil Strauss.) I doubt many are more sexually frustrated than me, but from now on anytime I get a date, I’m adding this ominous warning: "I'm really looking forward to Saturday. But seriously, I get REALLY abusive when I drink. See you tomorrow!"
Now that my Dance Concert is over, I should be back to posting these chapter assessments with a more effective degree of regularity. I apologize for the prolonged wait.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Chapter Three
Chapter Three continues by breaking into some new territory: Bella grumbling about the weather, although most people could relate to this one. Who doesn't despise something as ugly and undesirable as (SPOILER ALERT) snow? With nothing good possibly coming her way, she begrudgingly prepares for the day, rehashing her unending inner dialogue of obsession with Edward, mixed in with her suspicions of his dishonesty (healthy for any new relationship) and her subsequent embarrassment of acting too emotionally vulnerable around him.
Why did I know this was coming? Like most classic fantasy narratives, each romance requires a catalyst to drop our heroes into the throws of sexually-charged, forbidden love. From Luke and Leia to Gandalf and Galadriel to Harry Potter and Hermoine, (hell, we'll even throw in Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald just for good measure,) great stories utilize adversity and tragedy as a sort of latter-day Marvin Gaye to get their protagonists in the mood.
Taking a page from the Smallville playbook, Stephen Meyers pits girl against such peril, only to have Edward (Clark Kent) come between our damsel-in-distress Bella (Lana Lang, or Lex Luthor from Season One if you want to get adventurous) and the ultimate obstacle of total destruction: Tyler (some dweeb.) Battling the elements of ice with less than apt driving skills, Tyler's vehicle goes out of control and nearly turns Twilight into a three-chapter short story with no point (...) by crushing Bella before she can do it herself. (Okay, that was kind of a low blow. She seems more the type to just write about her problems in a blog full of depressing song lyrics and overly-revealing, hyperbolic statements about her life, fostering a self-pity and decadence that is inherently cyclical...kind of like this one.)
Anyway, she's totally about to get creamed by Tyler, when Edward, who'd been standing a good distance away, very mysteriously is able to push her aside and then stop the vehicle with his bare hands, all in the blink of an eye. Bella does her best Lana impression and demands to know how he did that, ignoring less important facts like the one where she's still alive. She is so onto his ass, yet Edward plays it cool, insisting he was right next to her the whole time (but we as the reader are onto his ass as well, so we don't buy it either.) He insists he's no superhero, because that would be ridiculous. Instead, he declares, "I AM A VAMPIRE!!" and begins manically biting every flesh-covered being in a twenty foot radius while screaming students run frantically to escape the vicious carnage. Not really, but if there's one thing I did learn from the 1998 film Blade, it's that vampires are always the bad guys, unless you half ass it like Wesley Snipes does. (Edward is no Wesley Snipes.)
The entire school flips out upon witnessing this spectacle (car crash; remember my vampire thing was fake) and they even travel with her to the hospital. Conveniently enough, no one else caught Edward in his very public display of superpowers except for Bella. This exclusive knowledge feeds her paranoia, and consequently her attraction to him (if we're really going to split hairs here.) Even after the crash, she immediately begins to argue about the physics of his heroics, though he wisely stalls her by agreeing (falsely) to explain later.
The day only gets worse for her as her father, Charlie arrives (who had woken up early that morning by himself to fix a set of chains on her wheels so she could drive safely through the snow) to make sure she's alright. Even more terrible, the entire school anxiously waits in the lobby to show support for their new student. Suffice it to say, one can only be happy when they're left alone and are ignored. At the hospital, she gets checked out by the elder Cullen (a rare DILF, unless you count a heterosexual Anderson Cooper.) Lucky for the good doctor, Bella does NOT fall in love with *him*. Tyler meanwhile continues to apologize like a giant wiener from an adjacent bed in the same ER, oblivious to the fact that he just fulfilled for Bella every girl's wish to be saved by a ridiculously good-looking vampire, only to have him deny it like a badass. As soon Tyler voices his suspicions over Edward's immaculate exploits, she quickly lies to protect him (this quirky obsession is hers, and hers alone!)
She eventually confronts Edward for a second time, but he of course just lies again while she, of course, just gets angry again. Bella then asks why he even bothered saving her (a decision he immediately regretted after this annoying string of questions,) but she is only left disappointed by his shrugging it off as a right-place, right time scenario, and even by some hilarious uncertainty on his part as to why he did it. In the end, Edward doesn't do himself any favors by his acts of old fashioned chivalry, i.e. being "the nice guy" and pushing her out of the way of a moving vehicle (girls can smell that sort of thing...trust me, I know.) After all, she's not upset because he's being dishonest; she's upset because he's all of a sudden acting overeager by saving her life as opposed to playing hard-to-get or appearing unavailable to her (see: previous comment.) Seriously, heroics at this point in the relationship? Too soon, bro, too soon.
This is beginning to play out like the best of CW dramas, but without Tom Welling (sadly,) or all the absurd and foreboding dreams that characters incessantly experience to foreshadow future episodes.
Why did I know this was coming? Like most classic fantasy narratives, each romance requires a catalyst to drop our heroes into the throws of sexually-charged, forbidden love. From Luke and Leia to Gandalf and Galadriel to Harry Potter and Hermoine, (hell, we'll even throw in Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald just for good measure,) great stories utilize adversity and tragedy as a sort of latter-day Marvin Gaye to get their protagonists in the mood.
Taking a page from the Smallville playbook, Stephen Meyers pits girl against such peril, only to have Edward (Clark Kent) come between our damsel-in-distress Bella (Lana Lang, or Lex Luthor from Season One if you want to get adventurous) and the ultimate obstacle of total destruction: Tyler (some dweeb.) Battling the elements of ice with less than apt driving skills, Tyler's vehicle goes out of control and nearly turns Twilight into a three-chapter short story with no point (...) by crushing Bella before she can do it herself. (Okay, that was kind of a low blow. She seems more the type to just write about her problems in a blog full of depressing song lyrics and overly-revealing, hyperbolic statements about her life, fostering a self-pity and decadence that is inherently cyclical...kind of like this one.)
Anyway, she's totally about to get creamed by Tyler, when Edward, who'd been standing a good distance away, very mysteriously is able to push her aside and then stop the vehicle with his bare hands, all in the blink of an eye. Bella does her best Lana impression and demands to know how he did that, ignoring less important facts like the one where she's still alive. She is so onto his ass, yet Edward plays it cool, insisting he was right next to her the whole time (but we as the reader are onto his ass as well, so we don't buy it either.) He insists he's no superhero, because that would be ridiculous. Instead, he declares, "I AM A VAMPIRE!!" and begins manically biting every flesh-covered being in a twenty foot radius while screaming students run frantically to escape the vicious carnage. Not really, but if there's one thing I did learn from the 1998 film Blade, it's that vampires are always the bad guys, unless you half ass it like Wesley Snipes does. (Edward is no Wesley Snipes.)
The entire school flips out upon witnessing this spectacle (car crash; remember my vampire thing was fake) and they even travel with her to the hospital. Conveniently enough, no one else caught Edward in his very public display of superpowers except for Bella. This exclusive knowledge feeds her paranoia, and consequently her attraction to him (if we're really going to split hairs here.) Even after the crash, she immediately begins to argue about the physics of his heroics, though he wisely stalls her by agreeing (falsely) to explain later.
The day only gets worse for her as her father, Charlie arrives (who had woken up early that morning by himself to fix a set of chains on her wheels so she could drive safely through the snow) to make sure she's alright. Even more terrible, the entire school anxiously waits in the lobby to show support for their new student. Suffice it to say, one can only be happy when they're left alone and are ignored. At the hospital, she gets checked out by the elder Cullen (a rare DILF, unless you count a heterosexual Anderson Cooper.) Lucky for the good doctor, Bella does NOT fall in love with *him*. Tyler meanwhile continues to apologize like a giant wiener from an adjacent bed in the same ER, oblivious to the fact that he just fulfilled for Bella every girl's wish to be saved by a ridiculously good-looking vampire, only to have him deny it like a badass. As soon Tyler voices his suspicions over Edward's immaculate exploits, she quickly lies to protect him (this quirky obsession is hers, and hers alone!)
She eventually confronts Edward for a second time, but he of course just lies again while she, of course, just gets angry again. Bella then asks why he even bothered saving her (a decision he immediately regretted after this annoying string of questions,) but she is only left disappointed by his shrugging it off as a right-place, right time scenario, and even by some hilarious uncertainty on his part as to why he did it. In the end, Edward doesn't do himself any favors by his acts of old fashioned chivalry, i.e. being "the nice guy" and pushing her out of the way of a moving vehicle (girls can smell that sort of thing...trust me, I know.) After all, she's not upset because he's being dishonest; she's upset because he's all of a sudden acting overeager by saving her life as opposed to playing hard-to-get or appearing unavailable to her (see: previous comment.) Seriously, heroics at this point in the relationship? Too soon, bro, too soon.
This is beginning to play out like the best of CW dramas, but without Tom Welling (sadly,) or all the absurd and foreboding dreams that characters incessantly experience to foreshadow future episodes.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Chapter Two
So I hadn't noticed that the back cover most certainly gives the entire story away, at least from my point of view coming at it as a Twilight-virgin (in more ways than one.) Bella declares that (SPOILER ALERT) "First, Edward was a vampire." For those who usually read the back cover before actually opening the book, this WOULD be a startling discovery, and one that WOULD have completely ruined the element of surprise for me in the first chapter had I not made such an astute commitment to not spoiling this epic, modern day Cinderella. I mean, anyone else remember Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince declaring that "Snape kills Gandalf" or whatever on the back cover jacket? It's called giving away the punch line. (No, Stephanie Meyer, no!)
"Second, there was a part of him--and I don't know how dominant that part might be--that thirsted for my blood." Well, Bella, let me tell you how dominant that part is. While I cannot speak for the whole of vampire ancestry, when a guy likes a girl, he will watch as many chick flicks, listen to as much crappy rap and hip hop, hang out as long as he must with your boring friends, and act as interested in your mundane obsession with ponies as he can to get into your pants (or in this case, your veins.)
"And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." Typical. Girls just want what they can't have--in this case, a bloodthirsty vampire whose probably willing to indulge you in your pony obsession. Before I give my proper overview, I wanted to offer an alternative to the back cover:
"First, Edward was a jackass." Let's face it, he strains himself so hard his eyes go black and his head explodes! (Okay, I made the last part up, but his eyes did go black, and there is NO other explanation than the crazy straining he does while he sits next to her in Biology.)
"Second, there was a part of him--and I don't know how dominant that part might be--that wanted to go to a Celine Dion concert wearing his favorite vest and bandana." Might she have upstaged him as 'the new girl?'
"And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with making myself unhappy." Might HE have upstaged HER as "the new girl?"
Eddy doesn't even show up the next week, and as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder (especially with people who clearly don't like you.) Bella scores some points for making her dad dinner (could I be more clear here?) and appreciating the fact that he bought her a really rad truck. Bonus points for making steak and eggs. The mom is a little crazy with her excessive emailing, but who doesn't send four thousand follow-up messages when that certain *she* doesn't respond right away? The one thing that does seem to make Bella happy, besides thinking she was the source and cause of Eddy's absence, is complaining incessantly about the weather or high-browing the local library. At least she reads.
Eddy finally comes back to Biology after a number of days, very sensitive to the touch and allegedly embarrassed about his new eye contacts (though definitely NOT self-conscious enough about seeing a Celine Dion concert.) He's also decidedly more polite to Bella this time around--but that doesn't mean he's not bipolar. He turns out to be a pretty sharp mother-effer as he and Bella trade off correctly identifying the phases of mitosis in onion root tip cells...needless to say, the sexual tension is excruciatingly hot. Like most typical hormonally-raging teens, they bond through their science class assignment, though Eddy's sly moves are not all that unfamiliar to me (girls love nothing more than a guy who can aptly distinguish the prophase, anaphase and interphase of a dead onion root tip cell.)
Remarkably, this stranger gets her to talk about why she left the home that she loved, even though, as the narrator, she failed to communicate this to loyal readers such as myself in the first chapter (but I knew it was coming!) Bella says she became frustrated with the remarriage of her mother to a baseball player who, by all indications, was pretty cool. Again, giving Eddy a lot to work with conversationally and offering perfectly logical explanations for moving to Seattle, her self-pity is fed by his assurances and smooth psychological profiling of her...that and his "blood"-thirsty (pun intended) desire for a slampiece.
She also almost gets into a car wreck because she was staring at him too long or something like that.
Well, that's all for now. Stay tuned for Chapter Three (and a continued copious use of parentheses.) I've been reading ahead and...(SPOILER ALERT)...her Tom Foolery while driving looks to be a repeated literary device. Just you wait!
"Second, there was a part of him--and I don't know how dominant that part might be--that thirsted for my blood." Well, Bella, let me tell you how dominant that part is. While I cannot speak for the whole of vampire ancestry, when a guy likes a girl, he will watch as many chick flicks, listen to as much crappy rap and hip hop, hang out as long as he must with your boring friends, and act as interested in your mundane obsession with ponies as he can to get into your pants (or in this case, your veins.)
"And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." Typical. Girls just want what they can't have--in this case, a bloodthirsty vampire whose probably willing to indulge you in your pony obsession. Before I give my proper overview, I wanted to offer an alternative to the back cover:
"First, Edward was a jackass." Let's face it, he strains himself so hard his eyes go black and his head explodes! (Okay, I made the last part up, but his eyes did go black, and there is NO other explanation than the crazy straining he does while he sits next to her in Biology.)
"Second, there was a part of him--and I don't know how dominant that part might be--that wanted to go to a Celine Dion concert wearing his favorite vest and bandana." Might she have upstaged him as 'the new girl?'
"And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with making myself unhappy." Might HE have upstaged HER as "the new girl?"
Eddy doesn't even show up the next week, and as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder (especially with people who clearly don't like you.) Bella scores some points for making her dad dinner (could I be more clear here?) and appreciating the fact that he bought her a really rad truck. Bonus points for making steak and eggs. The mom is a little crazy with her excessive emailing, but who doesn't send four thousand follow-up messages when that certain *she* doesn't respond right away? The one thing that does seem to make Bella happy, besides thinking she was the source and cause of Eddy's absence, is complaining incessantly about the weather or high-browing the local library. At least she reads.
Eddy finally comes back to Biology after a number of days, very sensitive to the touch and allegedly embarrassed about his new eye contacts (though definitely NOT self-conscious enough about seeing a Celine Dion concert.) He's also decidedly more polite to Bella this time around--but that doesn't mean he's not bipolar. He turns out to be a pretty sharp mother-effer as he and Bella trade off correctly identifying the phases of mitosis in onion root tip cells...needless to say, the sexual tension is excruciatingly hot. Like most typical hormonally-raging teens, they bond through their science class assignment, though Eddy's sly moves are not all that unfamiliar to me (girls love nothing more than a guy who can aptly distinguish the prophase, anaphase and interphase of a dead onion root tip cell.)
Remarkably, this stranger gets her to talk about why she left the home that she loved, even though, as the narrator, she failed to communicate this to loyal readers such as myself in the first chapter (but I knew it was coming!) Bella says she became frustrated with the remarriage of her mother to a baseball player who, by all indications, was pretty cool. Again, giving Eddy a lot to work with conversationally and offering perfectly logical explanations for moving to Seattle, her self-pity is fed by his assurances and smooth psychological profiling of her...that and his "blood"-thirsty (pun intended) desire for a slampiece.
She also almost gets into a car wreck because she was staring at him too long or something like that.
Well, that's all for now. Stay tuned for Chapter Three (and a continued copious use of parentheses.) I've been reading ahead and...(SPOILER ALERT)...her Tom Foolery while driving looks to be a repeated literary device. Just you wait!
Chapter One
I recently began reading a book lent to me by a friend called Twilight, which a number of people I know have spoken very highly of, and apparently has held some modicum of popular appeal (sorry, I don’t watch a lot of televisions.) Having already been pleasantly surprised by previous endorsements of fantasy classics such as Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, I suppose another work of literature in the same vein of critical praise and stature warrants my attention.
For your reading discernment, these posts WILL contain spoilers (i.e. "SPOILER ALERT".)
Chapter One introduces us to our main character, Bella Swan. First and foremost, we’ve got a real whiner here. For reasons that are not entirely articulated or expanded upon (though we can assume she has them), Bella has decided to move away from her mother (whom she is closer with) and her home in Phoenix, Arizona (which she loves) to live with her father Charlie in Seattle (where she is decidedly less happy, both in her parental relationship and physical location). This decision is somewhat disconcerting, as the first chapter, written in first person, is a mostly pessimistic and cynical narrative (much in the same vein of “FML,” to those who are hip to culture’s most current vernacular) which offers insight into every instance where she is forced to create a facade of contentment to those who make up her new surroundings. In other words, (SPOILER ALERT) she is depressed by her self-imposed exile, where most great heroes begin their journey (Batman, Zeus, Joaquin Phoenix.)
Charlie is the real star here, however. As her father, he purchases a working vehicle for her transportation to school (and presumably for other extracurricular obligations, should such social engagements resume in her life), and without any cost to her. In other words, the money she had previously been saving for her own automobile could be supplanted and set aside for, perhaps, a plane ticket home? Maybe a more effective winter jacket to combat the elements of her new environment? A successful Police Chief, even in the wake of his failed marriage, Charlie has taken on the unfamiliar burden of retaining custody of his child for the first time in his tenure as a parent. Having gone out of his way to make her feel welcome and at home, I think the father displays a number of virtuous qualities that have not quite yet matured in Bella. I suspect the protagonist of this story will likely experience growth as a result of the coming events (which will likely be fantastic enough to warrant documenting such events in a popular literary series.)
Okay, first day of school. I've had about sixteen of these, so I know something about first days at school. Bella meets new friends and acquaintances rather quickly, and seemingly benefits from the outgoingness of her peers, many of whom are happy to engage with the new student (I guess dreary weather makes people really nice.) After meeting two potential male suitors, Eric and Mike, she also observes this guy Edward from afar, who is apparently a startlingly attractive figure. This fact obviously mean much by the chapter's end as he displays no social skills, and leaves her upset by his lack of interest in her. He's also a complete ass, which doesn't help (like the kind of guy would go all Kanye on her first day of school.) At this rate, we can safely assume that she is unmistakably better off without him, and that his character doesn't seem as relevant as the other two gentlemen, who are helpful and engaging to Bella. In the end, my vote goes to Mike, who (SPOILER ALERT) was clearly "the nicest guy" she had met, and brings a longevity to his relationship with the main character that is not as evident in the others.
Perhaps she will begin a fateful courtship with Mike that ends in betrayal? Or maybe Eric doesn't turn out to be the charming Casanova she thought him to be... Continued reading of this tale will entice and illuminate. Though I have not seen the film production of this spectacle, I know it supposedly involves vampires. I am eagerly awaiting vampires in the book adaptation of the movie. More than likely, this turns into a Dusk Till Dawn type scenario, but with less strippers and no George Clooney. For the record, my money's on Charlie turning out to be one, mainly because Charlie is a cop and cops always end up being vampires. This revelation needs to happen soon, however.
For your reading discernment, these posts WILL contain spoilers (i.e. "SPOILER ALERT".)
Chapter One introduces us to our main character, Bella Swan. First and foremost, we’ve got a real whiner here. For reasons that are not entirely articulated or expanded upon (though we can assume she has them), Bella has decided to move away from her mother (whom she is closer with) and her home in Phoenix, Arizona (which she loves) to live with her father Charlie in Seattle (where she is decidedly less happy, both in her parental relationship and physical location). This decision is somewhat disconcerting, as the first chapter, written in first person, is a mostly pessimistic and cynical narrative (much in the same vein of “FML,” to those who are hip to culture’s most current vernacular) which offers insight into every instance where she is forced to create a facade of contentment to those who make up her new surroundings. In other words, (SPOILER ALERT) she is depressed by her self-imposed exile, where most great heroes begin their journey (Batman, Zeus, Joaquin Phoenix.)
Charlie is the real star here, however. As her father, he purchases a working vehicle for her transportation to school (and presumably for other extracurricular obligations, should such social engagements resume in her life), and without any cost to her. In other words, the money she had previously been saving for her own automobile could be supplanted and set aside for, perhaps, a plane ticket home? Maybe a more effective winter jacket to combat the elements of her new environment? A successful Police Chief, even in the wake of his failed marriage, Charlie has taken on the unfamiliar burden of retaining custody of his child for the first time in his tenure as a parent. Having gone out of his way to make her feel welcome and at home, I think the father displays a number of virtuous qualities that have not quite yet matured in Bella. I suspect the protagonist of this story will likely experience growth as a result of the coming events (which will likely be fantastic enough to warrant documenting such events in a popular literary series.)
Okay, first day of school. I've had about sixteen of these, so I know something about first days at school. Bella meets new friends and acquaintances rather quickly, and seemingly benefits from the outgoingness of her peers, many of whom are happy to engage with the new student (I guess dreary weather makes people really nice.) After meeting two potential male suitors, Eric and Mike, she also observes this guy Edward from afar, who is apparently a startlingly attractive figure. This fact obviously mean much by the chapter's end as he displays no social skills, and leaves her upset by his lack of interest in her. He's also a complete ass, which doesn't help (like the kind of guy would go all Kanye on her first day of school.) At this rate, we can safely assume that she is unmistakably better off without him, and that his character doesn't seem as relevant as the other two gentlemen, who are helpful and engaging to Bella. In the end, my vote goes to Mike, who (SPOILER ALERT) was clearly "the nicest guy" she had met, and brings a longevity to his relationship with the main character that is not as evident in the others.
Perhaps she will begin a fateful courtship with Mike that ends in betrayal? Or maybe Eric doesn't turn out to be the charming Casanova she thought him to be... Continued reading of this tale will entice and illuminate. Though I have not seen the film production of this spectacle, I know it supposedly involves vampires. I am eagerly awaiting vampires in the book adaptation of the movie. More than likely, this turns into a Dusk Till Dawn type scenario, but with less strippers and no George Clooney. For the record, my money's on Charlie turning out to be one, mainly because Charlie is a cop and cops always end up being vampires. This revelation needs to happen soon, however.
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