Chapter Four

Now, I'm no Roland Emmerich, but I'd like to think I've got a knack for storytelling that allows me to make fairly accurate predictions in Twilight. (Like, I'm the guy who totally called it that Spock was still alive in Star Trek III: The Search for Spock.) Well, I've had my suspicions about Edward in the first four chapters, mainly because he’s supposedly a "vampire." So far, nothing he's done really fits the normal description of a vampire's characteristics. He hasn't gone around robbing blood banks or stalking people with high blood pressure. He doesn't quote Shakespeare and Kierkegaard as Dracula was most famous for doing. Most of all, he wasn't in Vampire Kisses 6: Royal Blood, the end-all be-all vampire novel.

My theory? Edward is cybernetic organism sent back in time to protect Bella, who will give birth to the future leader of humanity in a 21st century war against the machines. Also sent back was Phil, an assassin cyborg with mechanically devious intentions who becomes romantically involved with Bella’s mother (mainly playing "baseball" so as to appear more "American.") Let us review the evidence.

Clue #1: Edward's eyes.

As noted in early chapters, Edward's eyes change color, an ability inherent to all robots as we have learned from Robocop and Transformers 1 and 2. In Bella's wildly inquisitive assessment of this fact (page 46), Edward plays dumb (like a robot.)

Clue #2: Edward's brain.

Edward is highly intelligent in Biology class, demonstrating a remarkable capacity for recall of useless information and data, much like a computer-based cyborg is apt to do. If asked a question even when he isn't even listening (page 73), he still is able to spit out answers without thinking (like a robot.)

Clue #3: Edward's straining.

He strains so hard he defecates in the middle of Biology (page 23). ...That really has nothing to do with him being a robot...and by having "nothing to do with" I mean "really didn't happen."

Clue #4: Edward's superpowers.

Super speed and super strength are requisites for any real cyborg. Edward displays both in order to achieve his objective aim of protecting Bella from wild vehicles (page 56), especially ones caused by his arch nemesis Phil. He seems unaware of his unique gifts (like a robot.)

Clue #5: Edward's shapeshifting. (SPOILER ALERT)

To top it off, Edward is able to transform himself into other beings and replicate their voice, their mannerisms, and their memory. We see this when he very cleverly morphs into Mike (page 72), Eric (page 76), and Tyler (page 77), impersonating their likenesses to make Bella think everyone is trying to ask her out, a fact that clearly annoys her, and clearly tickles Edward to the bone (like a robot.)

Clue #6: Edward's father.

The son of a prominent doctor (page 62), Edward's birth is shrouded in mystery, but calling this a "birth" itself may be presumptuous. Was our teen hottie really born of a virgin womb as the text suggests (it doesn't,) or might he have been the concoction of science at the hands of "Doctor" Cullen? With the explosion of the internets and the rise of WebMD, anybody can be a doctor these days (next week: my blog on Elephantiasis and the Synthesis of Chlamydia.)

Now, onto the summary.

I guess this is the point where the main character starts having dreams that foreshadow or allude to some deeper aspect of the story (which has proved acutely difficult for Stephen Meyers to achieve.) For Bella, this dream depicts Edward walking away from her, his face radiant like a Chinese firecracker while she is unable to catch up to him (meaning she's pursing a guy who's bad news bears.) For me this dream would depict being chased by Gary Busey, his voice speaking nonsensically in tongues while I am unable to escape him (meaning Gary Busey is about to tickle me until I pee. Further suggested reading: Gary Busey's Cookbook for Roadkill.)

When Bella finally returns to school, all she can think about is Edward and the accident. With Tyler still trying to make amends, and Mike and Eric both still in the competitive mix for her affection, Bella finds herself in the midst of a complex and sensational love pentagon (which just happens to be the universally-recognized symbol of vampires.) Here's where the book starts to get tricky--and this is something Lord of the Rings sorely lacked. Bella's friend Jessica decides to ask Mike to the spring dance. Mike declines, opportunistically trying to capitalize on the friction between Bella and Edward by asking her to ask him to the spring dance (she also declines.) After he demands that she tell him why she won't ask him, Bella lies and says she's going to Seattle to watch the Mariners play the Chicago Bears. Bella then suggests he take Jessica up on her offer, though Jessica has consequently moved on to Eric (sorry Mike, beggars can't be choosers.) It turns out, Mike wasn't the only one who considered Bella his first choice either (remember, this is a dance where the GIRLS ask the guy.) Eric, who is now also sandbagging Jessica, asks our heroine to the dance, who again lies about going to Seattle to tour the Starbucks headquarters. After dusting her hands of both their sorry asses and passing them off to Jessica, a third--yes, a THIRD—Tyler (the boner himself,) tries to win her heart, again only to be turned down for a boy (Edward) who has no apparent interest in her.

Tyler then kills himself.

Meanwhile, the entire time all of this is happening, Edward watches from afar, giddy as Bella turns away three non-vampires in pursuit of courtship with her. Interestingly, Edward is back on his game when she snaps at him in Biology for a second time. Bella charges that he regrets saving her because he's stopped teasing her and flirting with her (that bastard!) He then suggests out of nowhere that they shouldn't be friends (I'm not making this up...he doesn't even friend-zone her.) She tries to leave the classroom angrily and in dramatic fashion, but then embarrassingly drops all of her books at the door. Non-friend Edward rushes to help her, only strengthening her devout convictions for being in love with him (though it's "very, very stupid," "pitiful," and "unhealthy," in her words.) Despite his commitment to not being friends, he is seen visibly enjoying her annoyance being asked out by the trifecta. (These mixed signals make for a delicious romantic cat-and-mouse.)

Here's what I can't understand. Why is it that when ugly people try to be funny and an asshole to get a girl, well, they're just an asshole. But when good-looking people are funny and an asshole, they're perceived as more mysterious: "Why doesn't he like me?" and then eventually, "Well, I can change him!"

This was when I realized how much Stephen Meyer is just another a chauvinistic woman-hating male. Of course Bella doesn't want to go to the dance and have fun. She's too busy making enchiladas for her father, cleaning the dishes, and obsessing over ponies. Girls shouldn't be hanging around boys whose main ambition is to show them a good time; their place is in the kitchen. (How else would Charlie have eaten?)

While making dinner, Jessica calls to inform Bella that she and Mike are officially going to the dance together. Bella craftily tells Jess to set Eric and Tyler up with other girls (or in Tyler's case, a guy,) thus tying up all of her own loose ends. She repeats the usual mantra of self-degradation about how "uninteresting" she is while lifting up Edward as the pinnacle of perfection and beauty (like I do with Patrick Swayze while slapping myself in front of a mirror.)

The next morning she is approached by her favorite non-friend, Edward, who confesses to causing the traffic jam that enabled Tyler the time to ask her out (before he killed himself.) After a bit of teasing and taunting, Edward then gets serious. (This vampire doesn't eff around.) Once he has Bella in an emotionally vulnerable state, he asks to go with her to Seattle, rattling off a string of excuses: he'd been wanting to go anyway, and her car is just too shitty to make such a prolonged drive.

After agreeing to let him drive her, Edward clears up his previous "non-friend" reclarification, that while they shouldn't be friends, that doesn't mean they can't be friends (they'd just be better off being the former...what a cock.) Then beautifully, brilliantly, immediately after sealing the deal for a date, Edward tags on the final clarifier: "You really should stay away from me." That's it Edward--draw her in, then push her away (this guy reads too much Neil Strauss.) I doubt many are more sexually frustrated than me, but from now on anytime I get a date, I’m adding this ominous warning: "I'm really looking forward to Saturday. But seriously, I get REALLY abusive when I drink. See you tomorrow!"

Now that my Dance Concert is over, I should be back to posting these chapter assessments with a more effective degree of regularity. I apologize for the prolonged wait.