Chapter Two

So I hadn't noticed that the back cover most certainly gives the entire story away, at least from my point of view coming at it as a Twilight-virgin (in more ways than one.) Bella declares that (SPOILER ALERT) "First, Edward was a vampire." For those who usually read the back cover before actually opening the book, this WOULD be a startling discovery, and one that WOULD have completely ruined the element of surprise for me in the first chapter had I not made such an astute commitment to not spoiling this epic, modern day Cinderella. I mean, anyone else remember Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince declaring that "Snape kills Gandalf" or whatever on the back cover jacket? It's called giving away the punch line. (No, Stephanie Meyer, no!)

"Second, there was a part of him--and I don't know how dominant that part might be--that thirsted for my blood." Well, Bella, let me tell you how dominant that part is. While I cannot speak for the whole of vampire ancestry, when a guy likes a girl, he will watch as many chick flicks, listen to as much crappy rap and hip hop, hang out as long as he must with your boring friends, and act as interested in your mundane obsession with ponies as he can to get into your pants (or in this case, your veins.)

"And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." Typical. Girls just want what they can't have--in this case, a bloodthirsty vampire whose probably willing to indulge you in your pony obsession. Before I give my proper overview, I wanted to offer an alternative to the back cover:

"First, Edward was a jackass." Let's face it, he strains himself so hard his eyes go black and his head explodes! (Okay, I made the last part up, but his eyes did go black, and there is NO other explanation than the crazy straining he does while he sits next to her in Biology.)

"Second, there was a part of him--and I don't know how dominant that part might be--that wanted to go to a Celine Dion concert wearing his favorite vest and bandana." Might she have upstaged him as 'the new girl?'

"And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with making myself unhappy." Might HE have upstaged HER as "the new girl?"

Eddy doesn't even show up the next week, and as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder (especially with people who clearly don't like you.) Bella scores some points for making her dad dinner (could I be more clear here?) and appreciating the fact that he bought her a really rad truck. Bonus points for making steak and eggs. The mom is a little crazy with her excessive emailing, but who doesn't send four thousand follow-up messages when that certain *she* doesn't respond right away? The one thing that does seem to make Bella happy, besides thinking she was the source and cause of Eddy's absence, is complaining incessantly about the weather or high-browing the local library. At least she reads.

Eddy finally comes back to Biology after a number of days, very sensitive to the touch and allegedly embarrassed about his new eye contacts (though definitely NOT self-conscious enough about seeing a Celine Dion concert.) He's also decidedly more polite to Bella this time around--but that doesn't mean he's not bipolar. He turns out to be a pretty sharp mother-effer as he and Bella trade off correctly identifying the phases of mitosis in onion root tip cells...needless to say, the sexual tension is excruciatingly hot. Like most typical hormonally-raging teens, they bond through their science class assignment, though Eddy's sly moves are not all that unfamiliar to me (girls love nothing more than a guy who can aptly distinguish the prophase, anaphase and interphase of a dead onion root tip cell.)

Remarkably, this stranger gets her to talk about why she left the home that she loved, even though, as the narrator, she failed to communicate this to loyal readers such as myself in the first chapter (but I knew it was coming!) Bella says she became frustrated with the remarriage of her mother to a baseball player who, by all indications, was pretty cool. Again, giving Eddy a lot to work with conversationally and offering perfectly logical explanations for moving to Seattle, her self-pity is fed by his assurances and smooth psychological profiling of her...that and his "blood"-thirsty (pun intended) desire for a slampiece.

She also almost gets into a car wreck because she was staring at him too long or something like that.

Well, that's all for now. Stay tuned for Chapter Three (and a continued copious use of parentheses.) I've been reading ahead and...(SPOILER ALERT)...her Tom Foolery while driving looks to be a repeated literary device. Just you wait!